non-answer to your question


I had an interesting question on my blog from Marfsbaby, a.k.a. Jasmine. When I posted my 4 a.m. blog she asked me if the hand on someone’s stomach thing was real or a nice day dream.

While I admit I frequently have x-rated daydreams – don’t snicker – you all do … I have also had my hands on some beautiful stomachs in my lifetime. I have been blessed that way. =)

For some reason I did not want to post my answer on nerdgirlsspace. And I’m not entirely sure why. I am not overly secretive – I think that ship sailed when I started this whole blog thing. I have talked about my daughter, friends, family, life, sex, dating, hurts, pains and happiness. I have talked about my numerous flaws, hopes, dreams and desires.

What I have not talked about is me having sex or my dates.

Well, I’m not a monk. I do date. I like to date. I actually find dating kind of fun. I know most of you would rather stick a fork in your eye than date, but I actually enjoy it and am thankful for every person that has crossed my path. Good or bad, they have changed me, or at the very least, taught me something.

Part of the reason I don’t write about it is because dating and/or being in a relationship hasn’t been my focus this year. I had someone special in my life for a few months last year and we split in August. Since then I have concentrated on me. I wanted to date, but my goal was to meet new people doing things that were outside of my comfortable little world. People that would challenge me and my ideas, I wanted to grow as a person. I wanted to find new volunteer opportunities, spend time with my daughter, my friends and my family. And I have done all this. I have grown so much in this time and have met some amazing people.

This is not to say that if ‘the one’ fell into my lap that I wouldn’t be thanking whatever twist of fate put her there … I would definitely accept that opportunity with open arms!

BUT… I. WANT. IT. ALL.

Really. All of it.

I want to love and be loved. I want the butterflies in my stomach to go insane when I see her name pop up on email. I’ve had this and felt this and need this. I want my knees to go weak when she walks into a room. I want to feel this way even when she has let me down, I want her to feel this way even when I have let her down. And I will. Let her down I mean. I could not be more human and flawed. I am stubborn. I usually come around but she will need some patience waiting for that to happen … I want to be able to give my love unconditionally and I want to be loved unconditionally. I want what the couple at the Habitat build site had. Silent understanding. I want to sit in a quiet room reading and be happy that she is doing whatever it is she is doing. I want to feel secure enough that I push her to follow her dreams. I want to be free but not free. I want to feel like the most important creature on earth to her. I want to challenge her, I want her to challenge me. I want to want to be a better person because of her. And if this phenom falls in my lap and gives this all to me, I will give these things back ten times over. I am in no hurry to find this and not afraid of being alone. I just want it to be right.

Asking a little too much maybe? Possibly. Probably.

So blogging friends, fans and whoever else is reading this…. The minute she finds me and assures me she can put up with me for the long haul – you will be the first to know!

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Jasmine!

You rock! You are so sweet and so positive. Thanks for your email.

************************************************

Text from the daughter this morning:

“Just wanted you to know I appreciate everything you have been doing for me. I understand parts of it are hard and I am very grateful.”

*Sigh* She understands. I love her so very much. Almost makes me want another one. =)

update on today’s dream

It is five o’clock and I’m still sitting at my desk. Busy, busy day.

No one showed up to kiss me on the forehead, throw me over their shoulder and whisk me away for the day …

Really – does that ever happen? Ever since I saw the movie “An Officer and a Gentleman” my silly-assed girly brain thinks there is a possibilty it could happen! I am a HOPELESS romantic.

All is not lost. I had a great day.

Skipped my McGriddles this morning and had Hershey Kisses for breakfast. Felt that luscious feeling of a ‘sugar high’ by 9:30 then became concerned about ‘coming down’.

Suggestion from co-worker – eat Hershey Kisses all day long. Done! Have had about 20 of them! =) Did you know Hershey makes peanut butter kisses now? BRILLIANT!



Had a great walk with a great friend at lunch. Good conversation. A beautiful city. Nice.

Was invited to watch Grey’s Anatomy and to dinner Thursday night. Have been promised a home cooked German meal. Yum! Thank you for the invite, I am so looking forward to this.

Received an awesome compliment from my boss.

All in all, not a bad day.

I’m out of here soon so:
I wish you all hugs, kisses and/or dirty stuff tonite.


ps My friend Finn – (check out her blog) is going through some boy stuff… send her some encouragement …

today’s dream


*Someone* drives to my office, goes up the elevator, walks past reception, finds me at my desk, gives me a kiss on my forehead, turns to my boss and says “she’s needed elsewhere today…”

Because it is just way to beautiful outside to be sitting at my desk today.


*sigh* I’ll just be sitting here waiting…. =)

4 a.m.

4 a.m. is the witching hour:

Everything feels so much more intense at 4 a.m. If you lay your head on your pillow at night and are feeling lonely, sad, excited, angry, worried, or ??? – and you happen to wake at 4 a.m. – whatever you were feeling when you first lay your head down will feel utterly unmanageable at 4:00 a.m.

The kind of unmanageable that drives you to stand outside in the snow or pouring rain with a cigarette in hand…

the one fun exception:

4 a.m. and your libido.

You never want the person beside you more than when you wake up at 4 a.m.

You could have fallen asleep perfectly content to have your hand on your paramour’s stomach – but when you wake at 4 a.m. the skin on one’s stomach just does not cut it.

But maybe that’s just me? =)

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