Today

Somebody get me out of my head today. Someone this smart really should not be given the opportunity when in self-loathing mode to twist ideas, beat oneself up, and mangle good thoughts into self-destructing, mother guilt overload. I am startled by my inability to think of a viable solution to a current problem to the point of being frozen by fear of how incompetant my good intentions, love, dedication and honest drive to be a good parent has still led me down these horrible paths that I was not able to see coming. No one has ever accused me of being dumb… so why can I not figure out a solution??

I cannot write anything sane right now because I am too busy being:

theworstfuckingmotheronearthwithnofuckingclueofwhattodonextforfearthatinfactitcanandwillikelygetworseandyesthereismorebottomafterrockbottombadparentingideas

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6 Comments

  1. MARFSBABY said,

    February 20, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    Girl… you need to give yourself a break. Is it THAT bad or are you drama queening a little bit?

    If you want, you can tell aunty Jasmine all about it and I’ll try to offer some kind of rationalization. If not, then that’s ok. But no matter what’s going on you need to remember that you’ve done the best that you can as a mother with what you’ve had to work with (who you are, your own upbringing, personality conflicts, life’s baggage and about a gazzilion other outside influences).

    Maybe what to do next… is not even up to you. What would happen if you just let whatever it is be for now and let it play out on it’s own?

  2. MARFSBABY said,

    February 20, 2007 at 1:19 pm

    Me again…

    Where’d you get that gorgeous picture you have titled “Beauty”? I love it… and I want one for my livingroom wall. In RED

  3. KellyNerd said,

    February 20, 2007 at 2:29 pm

    who me? drama? =)

    i’ll send you an email missy marf.

  4. The Spotted Hen said,

    February 20, 2007 at 4:09 pm

    I feel like a fine wine about to be opened to spill out my wisdom… Okay I am a well seasoned mother of 4 and to be honest their is nothing that I haven’t been through. I promise that no matter how bad you try to do everything right with your kids…they still get messed up in some way or another. Every human being has some sort of screwed up events in childhood and if they say they do not they are lying. Trust me… whatever is going on with you,hang in there. It will get better! I promise!

  5. Kathryn said,

    February 20, 2007 at 4:16 pm

    not much you can do, really, except hold your breath and hope it all works out

  6. Lovelylana said,

    February 20, 2007 at 7:17 pm

    Boy oh boy, can you keep it together on the outside. If it is of any consequence, all the mean voices in your head yelling at you that you’re a bad mom certainly cannot be seen from exterior – at work anyway. I’m sorry you are treading water in the deep dark end of motherhood again…so soon after the last near drowning. You’re a good person, filled with love for your spawn. Keep paddling kiddo, you’ll make it.


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