censored

I need some advice blogging friends.

I’ve ruined my blog.

It doesn’t look like I have, but I have.

I find myself censoring, deleting, editing and rewriting my posts when I do not want to be. I almost wish some days my blog was anonymous so that I could write openly about my feelings. That was to be the whole point of this thing to start with! I have toyed around with the idea of starting another one to just write

The problem is that I write what I feel in any given moment. I may not feel that very same thing five minutes later but the post remains there until I write about something else…. and because I am not using this as a true journal you do not get updates, I just write about the next random thing that pops into my head.

For example:

Recovering Straight Girl writes (or seems to) candidly about her relationship with her girlfriend, her thoughts on her ex, and the trials and tribulations of being a mother, ex-wife and a woman in a same-sex relationship/marriage. From reading her blog I can see that her friends, family and her girlfriend read it daily. Why does she feel so comfortable expressing her feelings?

Better question – why am I such a wimp about it?

Anyways, fellow blogging friends, tell me … are you censoring yourself? I honestly want to know your thoughts and feelings on this whole thing.

Love you all.

I’m off now to Ucluelet. Well … I will be when sexy.girl drags her cute butt out of bed!

Kisses,
NerdGirl

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i cant fucking sleep

For starters, I seem to be avoiding my bedroom.

Which is stupid. I have a lovely bedroom.

I live in a little attic apartment of an old heritage home. My bedroom is a loft. It is quite cozy with its slanted walls and the charming brick chimney (that I really wish a flatscreen was hanging from). I can hear the ponds in my backyard from my bedroom window. Here is a picture of the ponds and a little plug for my landlord’s business. As you can see my backyard is beautiful!


Lately, instead of climbing up the little wooden stairs to my haven, I lay on my couch at night and toss and turn and think.

I am exhausted.

The things I think about in the middle of the night have no relation at all to my thoughts or worries during the day.

When I get up, walk across the bridge in the morning, visit the ocean and look at the beautiful Vancouver skyline I kick myself for allowing those worries to even enter my head and ruin a good night’s sleep.

Because really. Life is good.

Last night I went out with my friend Jen. We went for a walk in our neighbourhood, had a beer at the Five Point (the boys from my house had the same idea too!) caught up and had a great evening. Lots of laughs. No worries. Right?

I get home, feeling tired and ready for sleep.

I plop down on the couch.

In my comfiest summer p.j.s (ha, liar, I was naked!)

I close my eyes and suddenly,

I am AWAKE.

Wide awake.

No amount of anything could have put me to sleep (read whatever you want into that comment).

Today – I am a walking zombie. Again.

I am looking forward to my little vacation … what better way to fall asleep than outdoors after playing in the sunshine all day?

Well, actually, I can think of a couple of ways …

I wish I could take credit for this

No matter how you choose to define it.

It is you.

For you:

If I were a cinnamon peeler
I would ride your bed
and leave the yellow bark dust
on your pillow.


Your breasts and shoulders would reek
you could never walk through markets
without the profession of my fingers
floating over you.

The blind would stumble
certain of whom they approached
though you might bathe
under rain gutters, monsoon.

Here on the upper thigh
at this smooth pasture
neighbor to your hair
or the crease
that cuts your back.

This ankle.

You will be known among strangers
as the cinnamon peeler’s wife.

I could hardly glance at you before marriage
never touch you — your keen nosed mother,
your rough brothers.

I buried my hands
in saffron, disguised them
over smoking tar,
helped the honey gatherers…

When we swam once
I touched you in water
and our bodies remained free,
you could hold me and be blind of smell.

You climbed the bank and said
this is how you touch other women
the grasscutter’s wife, the lime burner’s daughter.

And you searched your arms
for the missing perfume.
and knew
what good is it
to be the lime burner’s daughter
left with no trace
as if not spoken to in an act of love
as if wounded without the pleasure of scar.

You touched
your belly to my hands
in the dry air and said
I am the cinnamonpeeler’s wife.

Smell me.

Tofino and a Simpsons movie!

As you know this is my big holiday this year!

Update:

  1. We are going to stay an extra night! Yippee!
  2. Staying in Ucluelet (can’t wait to try and say that drunk!) instead of Tofino. Two nights there and one night at a friend of a friend of a friend’s house. Here’s a lovely pic of the beach in Ucluelet:

Questions and Answer section:

The answer to your question – my wonderful friends with the “hungry for information, enquiring minds want to know attitude” …

Your big email question of the day yesterday seems to be – “who is the sexy girl???”

… I am thrilled you are all so excited about my love life, really I am.

And thanks for asking privately, not via blog …

… But sorry to disappoint … and be ever-so-boring … (did you really think I’d write about it anyways??? )

… but the ‘”sexy girl” is a friend who happens to be sexy. =)

I am guilty of sensationalizing for the sake of the ‘blog’. Geez, do you have to call me on EVERYTHING? =)

Anyways, moving on … apparently we are going to try surfing! I see stitches in my future! =) Ouch! Good thing there is a plastic surgeon in the family now!



About the third night – last night (actually once before too) I met the woman we are staying with on the third night. She plays hockey on “sexy girl’s” hockey team – and – to be completely honest – she scares me a little … actually the thought of “sexy girl” and her wreaking havoc (sp?) on the shores of Van. Isle. have me MORE than a little nervous, hee hee!

I have a feeling it will be an adventurous couple of days for little old KellyNerd. Yikes! Bring on the healing qualities of gin! =)

AND on a COMPLETELY different subject … as if camping was not enough … The Simpson’s Movie is coming out this weekend! I am so excited to see it. I am excited for YOU (yes, you) to see it too, I know you’ve waited a long time for it!


T.O.F.I.N.O.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So.

Guess where I am going?


Here!:


Camping.

In a tent.

With a girl.

A sexy girl.

Yippee!

We are leaving Sunday morning. Coming home Tuesday night.

The countdown begins.

Four more sleeps!

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