my insomnia reached a whole new level of hell last night …

I did not sleep last night.

Not for more than 45 minutes at a time anyways.

I tossed and turned and dreamt crazy, disturbing things.

To make matters worse – actually I think it may have put me to sleep for awhile – one I woke up disoriented and on my way back from the bathroom I managed to crack my head on the corner of one of the walls. The one on the right there actually… see that nice wall sticking out by the light switch? Ouch.

I do not even know what I was doing on that side of the room, I sleep on the chimney side … however, I did learn that you actually see stars if you whack your head hard enough! Great. Good to know.

Anyways, NOT a good night. Needless to say, I am tired today so just a couple quick things for you.

First of all, I found this neat little site where you can write the next sentence of an ongoing story. I did it and thought you fellow blogging, writer friends, readers, fans and family would enjoy adding a sentence too. Just click here. Just do it. You can say you wrote a book with me. =)

Finally, and most importantly, Megan’s modelling pictures have finally been sent! My daughter is GORGEOUS. I just had to share a few….




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today

Today I need to be kind.

I need to be kind to myself.

I need to tell myself that my mistakes are ok. That I have learned from them. I need to explain to myself that I have done the best that I can with all that I have been given in all of the circumstances that have been handed to me. I need to forgive myself for letting myself and others down in those moments when I have not been as good or as kind or as proactive as I needed to be.

I need to forgive myself for not knowing for sure what to do all of the time. I need to try and forgive myself for not knowing what to do when someone else was counting on me. I need to try and forgive myself for not knowing for sure what to do when someone else really needed me to know for sure what I was doing and make proper decisions. I need to forgive myself for not being brave when I needed to be brave. I need to forgive myself for not standing strong and firm in my beliefs.

I need to turn the kindness and empathy I feel for others on myself. I need to use the forgiveness I have had and do have for others – on myself. I would have long ago forgiven others in my life for these mistakes, wrong paths and shortcomings, why have I not forgiven myself?

I need to take it easy on my soul. I need to listen to the good things that people say to me and about me. I need to listen to those things and absorb them into my heart.

I need to go forward and trust my instincts. I need to go forward and trust that my instincts are leading me in the right direction. I need to trust that what I know and what I have learned in life will lead me to make the right decisions for me and for you. You are counting on me and I need to trust that I can do what needs to be done, and that I have taught you enough to know that you can do for yourself what needs to be done.

I need to trust myself to say no. I need to say it more often and know that I am doing it for the right reasons. I need to understand that it is ok to say no. Whenever, to whatever and whomever I need to say it to. I need to practice saying no. I need to learn not to do things for the wrong reasons. I need to learn that maybe in the moment things may feel right or ok, that a decision may feel right or ok in the moment … but down the road, will this decision affect me, hurt me, harm me in some way?

I need to learn to love me as much as I love the people in my life. I need to respect me like I respect my loved ones.

I need to go outside and put my face in the sunshine and smile from the inside out.

If not today,

then tomorrow?

counselling .2

I had another counselling appointment today.

I worked really hard. Talked about some tough things. I tried to be logical. I really tried to look at things with a methodical brain instead of a sensitive brain. I am tired. I am going to close my eyes and wish myself off to Fantasy Island for awhile. So if anyone is looking for me, this is where I will be:

hermit

I am still living the life of a hermit. That is just the way it is right now. My friends have been trying to contact me but I am still feeling like I want to be alone. I have a lot of thinking to do. I dont know why letting everyone back in is so hard right now. I hope it changes soon. Because of this I have not gone far but this weekend was my baby sister’s 30th birthday and my mom had a party for her. There were a few old family friends that I do not get to see often so Chico drove me out there to give my sister a gift and to visit for a couple of hours. It was nice to be around familiar people who have loved us for a lifetime. People with their own stories that I can just sit and listen to. Other than that, I haven’t gone far. Been on the couch watching the last of the Rome disks. Its done. What series is next? Any ideas blogging friends?

Unfortunately with being at home I do not have anything interesting to blog about, but I do have something to share with you – My daughter Megan recently did a modelling shoot for a hairdressing salon. Here is one of the photos. She is to the right of her (boy)friend Jordan.

I think they are beautiful.

actual conversation today – kinda funny

Me (obviously, not serious): “Why are you such an ass*?” =)

Him (three guesses who): “I am not a ass*. I am just being me. The fact that society puts me in that category and labels me as an asshole is beyond my control.” =)

These are the kinda serious conversations we have. Seriously. =) It is fun to have this kind of friend … =) at least he has a good answer for everything!!

asshole
noun
1.
insulting terms of address for people who are stupid or irritating or ridiculous
2.
vulgar slang for anus [syn: arse]

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