shhhh ….

The world is a loud place for me right now. Every noise seems to be coming from right inside my head.

This post is a difficult one for me to write for several reasons… Two of which are my privacy and that of my loved ones. I have been going back and forth and starting drafts and trying to decide whether or not to write about the past week or two. I have some incredibly personal things that I would like to write about but need to do it in a way where I feel comfortable.

Bottom line – I need to write.

Last Monday I hit a wall.

I think this wall was fast approaching and I was busy pretending that I was somehow going to make it around it. Dodge it somehow. I thought I would keep moving forward and there would always be somewhere for me to run to, squash my fears, my feelings of inadequacy and the pain I carry around with me. But when your brain decides there is a limit, there is not much you can do about it.

I have been recognizing for some time now that I am not feeling quite right. I have been through some things. I know what you are thinking – we all have.

And yes, we all have.

A good portion of you have been through more than I could imagine or bear.

For about five years there has been some really tough family issues for me. I cannot and will not write the specifics but I have been forced to make decisions a mother should not have to make. I am not the type of woman who makes these types of decisions without thought or heartache. I agonize over the what ifs, the if onlys and the if I had done it the other ways …I constantly beat myself up over, and replay events, conversations and decisions in my head. Being a mother is the most important job I could have. I have always felt that I could do all kinds of good in the world and that if I screw up my child’s life that it would all be for nothing. I take the duties/job/miracle of being a parent very seriously.

Throughout these family issues, no matter what happened the night before, I would get up in the morning, slip on my shoes, plaster the Kelly smile on my face and put one foot in front of the other and just do what had to be done. I knew there were mothers going through worse things and thought to myself that it could be worse. Sometimes it got worse. I worked as usual. I kept up friendships, loves. I lost friendships, I lost loves. I kept doing what I thought to be the right things, going out, reading, volunteering, playing, working, whatever it took to live my life productively. Whatever it took to make myself feel useful and needed. I recognize(d) that everyone has problems, issues (hard issues, life and death issues) and that overall my life is good. I have people around me who love me, a roof over my head and a job that I like. I have a life. And all I have to do is live it.

A few weeks ago (maybe longer) I started to see myself differently. My mind was allowing thoughts that were (are) negative and hurtful. I felt and feel vulnerable and anxious. Sleep has been tough. I felt myself wanting to avoid people. I became more and more sensitive to the world around me. I recognized I needed a break, a holiday, some ‘me’ time. I tried to get that, but something always got in the way. Then some life events happened that were hurtful. The straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak. I think it likely my camel’s back was already breaking or broken and I was ignoring that fact.

Life can be a messy business. That cannot be avoided.

Instead of having a good cry and taking a step back and ‘handling’ things as usual, I started to doubt myself and my place in the world and my place in the lives of the people I care about. I had always been able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the person staring back at me …

Then the doubts set in further and events chipped away at me when I was already feeling weak.

I was not feeling right and I knew it. I stopped liking the person I saw staring back at me from the mirror.

I reached out. I really did. I tried to explain that I am hurt and sad and not feeling right. I tried to say, to tell you (and you) that I was no longer hearing positive messages, that I was falling.

Then an odd thing happened. The people that I chose to turn to, the ones that I thought I had loved and nurtured were not there when I needed them. I do not know if they did not understand how far it had gone, or if the way I was asking was not pretty. Maybe they were just used to me being strong? That is about when the bottom of the wall flew up and hit me. I was done.

To not go into any further personal detail and to shorten this up a bit I will tell you where I am at now.

I am off work, likely until next Tuesday. I have learned who my real friends are.

I love you dearly for driving here and not leaving until I let you in. I love you for not taking no for an answer. I love you for just being quiet with me and not making me feel silly for falling. You are my anchor. I thank you for that.

I have learned just how important my family is and how they will always be there for you, even when they are facing their own scary things.

I hope that writing this helps just one of you out there that may have been reaching a limit of your own.

Listen to your head and to your heart.

Look after yourself.

Take the breaks that you need.

Have a tantrum (safe one) if you need to.

Talk to your friends and family before you fall.

And dont judge yourself too harshly.

You are human.

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13 Comments

  1. Trée said,

    August 15, 2007 at 7:50 pm

    Hey Nerdy. You know, this kind of open honesty is gonna make someone fall head over heels for you. Just giving you the heads up. 🙂

  2. Autumn Storm said,

    August 15, 2007 at 10:35 pm

    Beautifully honest post, though you might not ever know it, your simple words of advice written here could be the voice that helps someone else. The best part about this post is hearing that there were people that came through for you, who were there for you. Hugs, take care, and thanks. Been in that place myself, the words are good reminders.

  3. Anonymous said,

    August 15, 2007 at 11:38 pm

    I’ve been worried about you. You know almost everything about me (’cause God knows I don’t hold anything back), and you’ve been nothing but supportive and non-judgemental. I really hope you know you can come to me for anything. ANYTHING!!
    The offer of staying here, yummy food, and too much wine still stands. Over here you have two cats and a five year old (who adores you) to cuddle into. You need someone to take care of you just for a little while. I’ll come get you, just say the word.
    Brenda

  4. KellyNerd said,

    August 16, 2007 at 12:48 pm

    Dear Readers and Loved Ones:

    I have received a few emails asking if I am referring to “you” when I have said that “you” were not there for me. I had hoped that anyone who knows me knows that I do not use my blog for thinly veiled accusations or for getting a previously unknown point across to people. I have far too much respect for the people in my life to do that. The person or persons I was referring to are aware of it, it has been discussed and was well out in the open before I wrote this piece.

    I hope in the future that if there is any question of who I am talking about that you will know that the first time you hear about something like this would not be on my blog, I do not use my blog for negative purposes and am not planning to in the future.

    As far as saying that I truly know who my friends are … some people have come out of the woodwork in unexpected ways with unexpected gifts of love and a few of them I was not expecting such support from…
    Thanks for your well wishes everyone …

    NerdGirl

  5. thestraightpoop said,

    August 16, 2007 at 2:45 pm

    Hey Kelly,

    Great to have you back, am sorry it’s been a rough time for you but if it helps, I was thinking about you and hoping you were okay.

    A big hug is what I can offer – over the net for now.

    I answered your question in my blog!

    Straight Poop

  6. Keri said,

    August 16, 2007 at 5:42 pm

    I’m sorry you’re suffering. But I’m glad you can talk about here. You are among friends.

  7. Copper said,

    August 16, 2007 at 9:47 pm

    It’s true. In the end you have very few true friends…

    luckily, it only takes one real friend to help you when you need them the most.

    We write because we need to. They read because they want to.

    Only few choose to listen…

    ej

  8. jlb said,

    August 16, 2007 at 11:16 pm

    thank-you for that. ‘have hit a few of my own walls the last the while (and i’m pretty sure they won’t be the last). you remind me of the power of giving voice to one’s experience, of sharing our stories. it can have a way of transforming… (of healing perhaps) not only ourselves, but also those around us.
    i’m glad you found a way to write this post.
    wishing you well.
    j.

  9. Sweet Cheeks said,

    August 17, 2007 at 4:13 am

    Great Post girl….I have missed you….I hope you are on the uphill now 🙂

    Sam

  10. Kathryn said,

    August 17, 2007 at 8:36 am

    well that explains why you haven’t replied to my email … and I thought you were just pissed at me 🙂

    sending happy thoughts your way

  11. Pamela said,

    August 17, 2007 at 10:03 am

    Sorry it’s been so flippin long since I checked in.. 😦
    Hope things are goin better for you sweetie 🙂

    ((BIG HUGS))

  12. KellyNerd said,

    August 17, 2007 at 11:59 am

    Tree: Hm, insanity is now considered attractive? I’ll have to take your word on that one hon … =)

    Autumn Storm: thanks for your thoughts and stopping by so regularly …

    Brenda: thanks for your offer but I haven’t gone much farther than my couch and that is where I feel best right now… just need some alone time… say hello to the little one…

    Straight Poop: thanks for answering my question… I am soooo jealous – readers she is an extra on the LWord!!! That’d probably be enough to perk me up right there! Mmm Shane.

    Keri, jlb and sweet cheeks: big thanks for your words

    Copper: You are so right

    Kathryn: how could I ever be pissed with you? miss ya’ though.

    pam: thanks and update your blog girl!! =)

  13. Leiselb said,

    August 24, 2007 at 2:17 pm

    Such good, solid, wise words, Kelly. I am so touched by your honesty and your journey…….


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