blades

My mom and I sat on the bench lacing up. I thought of how lucky I am to share this passion with my mom. Something special that we can do together.

The zamboni turned into its garage and the gates opened.

“Come on mom, lets go. It’s time.”

We step down on the ice. It is like we have been there all along. Never stopped.

The sound.

I cannot find the keystrokes, alphabet order, words to describe the sound of my blades on the ice.

The ice is clean, there are only about five other people here. We start gliding a little faster. Mom looks comfortable. Steady. Happy. I say “mom, can I go?” She nods and I am off.

My legs push, the picks launch me off and I am stroking around the ice. My ears are so cold they hurt and my legs feel a familiar burn. I can hear my blades. I wish I could describe the sound. I turn around, backwards crossovers, I can still do this. I can do this. Mom says try a jump. I do. Down I go. Sliding on my hip across the ice. Oh, no. I can do this and I find myself in the air with my arms and legs wrapped properly around my body into a graceful landing. It is a single. But it is a jump. I did it. Big smiles. Heart pounding. I feel such a freedom out here.

Try a spin. I cant. I get dizzy now. I try and try. Nope, that I cannot do. Not with any grace.

Mom says “You used to a beautiful Ina Bauer.”

This is a pic of what an Ina Bauer looks like:“Ha, ha, mom, nice try, as if my body can twist like that now.”

I feel challenged suddenly. Ok, I start skating – faster and faster – I go to the corner and cut diagonally across the ice – I twist my legs and feet in position and lean my head back. I do one. I hold it the length of the ice. I feel graceful. I feel like the teenager that was a skater way back then.

For the full forty minutes we were on that ice the ping pong mess of thoughts that have been ravaging my brain for months ceased.

My head felt peace.

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animal therapy

As you know I am spending some time out at my mom and stepfather’s place again this weekend. When I came home from there last weekend I spent far too many days at home hermitting myself again.

Mom had an idea for the perfect quiet, peaceful outing for today.

My mom picked up my sister and we drove out to my Auntie Carole and Uncle Ellis’ house in Abbotsford. My mom and sister chatted in the front seat on the drive and I sat in the back and read a little and looked at the scenery.

These are some pics of the paradise Carole and Ellis call ‘home’ … and some pics of their very special ‘animal family’.

View from the front door:

This one of their many kitty cats :

Auntie Carole’s horse CeeCee:

This is Oreo. Poor little Oreo is sick and not long for this world but oh,
so very loving. Are these not the kindest eyes?: The backyard … a beautiful little private lake:
One of the many gorgeous flowers on the property:Another one of CeeCee:And yes, that is me on CeeCee below.

I would show you more pictures of CeeCee (I took about fifty of them!) but the remainder of the pictures have my aunt, sister or mom in them and my family is a little shy … so I am going to respect that and not post their pics on here.

Anyways, after spending the day with my family and after a cuddle with one of the cats, some love from the dogs, a little ride on the horse and some really nice time with my wonderful Aunt, I am feeling a little better today.

Good idea mom. Thank you for suggesting it and thanks Mandy (my sis) for coming along. One last thank you to my Auntie Carole for the ride, sharing the love of your animals, your knowledge and positive nature.

I love you all to pieces.

… please be quiet continued …

On Sunday morning, bright and early, Chico showed up at my mom’s house to take me home. Knowing me as he does – knowing what would make me feel peaceful – knowing what I would need – on the way home we visited the ocean.

Here are the pictures taken that day at Belcarra Park.







I find myself back home, shutting myself in again.

This is doing me no good.

My mom is coming to get me again tomorrow. Thanks mom.

please just be quiet …

First of all. Thank you Mom, Keith (my stepfather) and Chico. I know truly that I am loved.

Second. It is the anniversary of September 11. This reminds me that there are people in this world going through horrible, devastating events in their lives. I feel for them. I remember that day vividly. I am so very sorry for those families touched by this unbelievable event.

***

If you have been reading for the last month or so you know that I have been at home, off work, seeing a counsellor once a week, and working through what I can only describe as some sort of breakdown. This is hard for me to write about. But I need to write.

I am not myself. I am not the strong woman most of you know (knew?). I do not want to leave the house, I have my phone off and am not answering emails. I do not want to talk. If you are talking softly to me or around me, I am listening though.

Other than going to the doctor or the counsellor I have not left the house much. On some level I recognize that hermitting myself is probably making things worse, but I cannot seem to help myself. When I am at home alone, the thought of seeing people, having to interract, talk, socialize or be around the loudness that is our city makes me anxious.

I discussed this with my counsellor we felt that some exercise and fresh air might help. I asked Chico to take me on a hike. On September 2 we ended up at Lynn Canyon with a backpack filled with healthy food and a plan to take some pictures and sweat a little.

We get there and the parking lot is full. I am in the passenger seat wanting to beg him to turn around, I do not want to see all these people. There are mothers yelling at their children, children screeching, and the loud voices of males trying to get some attention from nearby females.

“It’s ok, Kell, lets go.”

We get out of the car, open the trunk, get the camera and backpack and make our way up to the up to the little suspension bridge. The people around us are so loud. I can sense Chico watching me. I recognize that he is trying to understand how hard this is for me and how much the noise is bothering me.

We make our way across the bridge and start on the trail. It is beautiful here.

… If everyone would just shhh … why the need for loud voices? Would it really be so terrible to be silent for a few minutes and take in the beauty of our world?

We hit the trail, work up a bit of a sweat. As we head back down Chico suggests going off the trail, down below where there are no tourists. Brilliant! Here I found the silence and beauty I was looking for. We ate lunch and took pictures.

It was paradise and exactly what I was looking for. Thank you Chico.

***

Later in the week, after spending a few days at home alone avoiding people I asked my mom to come with me to my Dr. appt on Friday. I wanted to be alone, I did not want to see people but knew if I made a plan with my mom she would get me out and about.

By Thursday, I hit a new low, a low that I do not feel comfortable describing here. I was feeling not right. I emailed my mom and asked her to take me home with her after the Dr. appointment on Friday.

My mom did not hesitate. She came to the house Friday morning, saw me struggling to pack a bag, and listened as I spilled everything that was going on in my head to her. I had a good cry. My mom is not used to this, I have generally been self-sufficient as an adult and do not ‘run’ home everytime something happens to me. My mom was amazing. She listened. She was supportive and positive and non-judgmental. She helped me pack. She went to the Dr. with me and took me home with her. It was exactly what I needed. Her home is beautiful and quiet. She had a room downstairs for me to use with its own t.v., bathroom, and quiet space.

Also at my mom’s is my little baby Lady:

Lady did not leave my side the entire weekend. She slept downstairs with me. She followed me everywhere. When I woke up for two hours at 3 a.m., she woke with me and put her head on my arm while I read. She would get up early, jump off the bed, run upstairs and wake up Keith to go for her morning walk. The minute she came back in the door and the leash was off, she would run back downstairs and hop back in bed with me.

I miss her now. I wish I could have my own dog where I am, I think it would do wonders for me. I think it is exactly what I need. She was just there. All the time. Silent and loving. Can you please get me my own baby to have at home?

The weekend was peaceful. My mom said my sister was worried about me and had her and my stepbrother for dinner on Friday night. While barbecuing my mom and sister and I sat on her balcony, flanked by the forest in the back, talking quietly. In the evening, Mom and I would sit in the den and watch the news. Keith would bring her a glass a wine, me a waterbottle and he would make us a snack of Breton crackers with cream cheese and red pepper jelly. We just sat together and watched the news. It was nice to be with people but to be able to just sit in silence if I wanted to.

On Sunday morning Chico came early in the morning to get me but I will try and write about that tomorrow. I also have some pictures to share.

Thank you again Mom and Keith. I am at home now and know that I will be heading back there soon.