halloween past

Megan is going to kill me for posting this one.

Here is a picture of Megan and I celebrating Halloween a least ten years ago!

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She is off celebrating Halloween how eighteen year olds celebrate Halloween now.  At least I have lovely memories like this.

Happy Halloween everyone.  Be safe.

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moving forward

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I woke up this morning and breathed a sigh of relief. The world is quiet.

I keep waiting for it to get loud and unbearable in my head again. But not today. I have another day of feeling ok. And, after how down I have felt, ok is just fine by me.

I opened up my eyes and rolled over and grabbed my phone.  I was lucky enough to have the first voice this morning be a message from my best friend asking how I slept last night (sleep is still a big issue) and issuing an invite to join him for lunch today or a snack this afternoon. His message made me smile and feel cared for first thing in the morning. Thank you very much.

Today was Dr. appointment day.

Since this whole ordeal began I find I have to mentally and physically prepare myself for anything I do to gain control over things that are causing me some anxiety. I cannot always tell what is going to make me anxious so I try to mentally prepare in advance for any eventuality.

So I sat down with my breakfast – oh that reminds me – they have vanilla Rice Krispies now – yum – Anyways, I sat down with my breakfast and started a list of things I wanted to discuss with my Dr. today. This also helps with my little memory issue. Number one on my list was to talk to my doctor about a ‘back to work plan’. I miss working. I miss feeling useful somewhere. I like my job and the people around me there.

I took my usual route to the Dr. down under the bridge, a little visit to the ocean and a boat ride across …

… as usual my Dr. was great. We discussed the whole list. He took his time with me, looks me directly in the eye and discusses everything fully. I feel like he really has my best interests at heart. When it comes to the work thing he is very cautious. He doesn’t want me doing anything that is going to set me back again. We have had so many setbacks and false starts since August and when I am done with this ordeal, I, we, everybody wants it to be fully done. No looking back.

So, his solution was to make a (he knows I like the lists!) list of what what he thought was a reasonable ‘back to work plan’, with a few options for me to run by my counsellor. I see her next Thursday and if she approves then we can start taking some of the steps. Slowly.

Slowly is still moving forward and that is all I want.

To keep moving forward.

I do not want to go back to where I was before. It is a frightening, scary, lonely, very loud place.

So readers, pick up your tea, your beer, your glass of chardonnay, or whatever your beverage of choice is and lets do a toast to ‘moving forward’. For all of us. Taking that first step, even if it is a baby step towards whatever it is we want or dream about right now.

If you stand behind me and catch me when I fall, I promise to do the same for you.

Ready? Here we go:

“Cheers – to Moving Forward.”

a good song

chuckle

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Snippet of a conversation yesterday:

“He is not stupid, he is resistant to learning …”

Oh, well. Thats much better. =)

breathtaking

I am determined to be me again

Committed to be me again.

And not that old me. That version had a few too many flaws and complications. Way too many things being carried around with her that affected how she saw the world and the people around her. This model is going to be sleek. I want to be the new and improved NerdGirl. Kelly v.2 or some such thing. Or “NerdGirlRevamped”. That sounds geeky and sexy all at once!

So it was counseling day. I go once a week. I am emotionally exhausted after each session. Pushing, pushing, pushing. I am being hard on myself to create the change I want to see. I am being hard on the world around me. I want to effect change. Positive change. It is tiring work. I keep on finding more and more flaws.

Everytime I stumble on something new I have a choice to work through that feeling and effect positive change. This change is ultimately in my hands. I can ask for help along the way, but it will still be in my hands to effect it.

I am finding out that there are things I can control and things I cannot. I know there are things I have to accept about myself and still be able to look in the mirror with loving eyes. Accepting eyes.

Problem is, these sessions are gruelling. And I am spent. I bare my core to my counselor. I say things to her I would never tell anyone else. I tell her things that I wonder are normal, knowing she could say, no, no they are not. I am putting who I am, the inside me, on a silver platter and handing it to someone to help me find a way to be who I want to be. You know what I am talking about. Those things we all walk around with in our heads and never say out loud for fear of being judged. I’m saying them. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly. I have told her things I did not even know I was feeling until it came out of my mouth and formed a sentence.

She is helping me help myself. I need to help myself. It will be worth it in the end. I will get back to life with new skills and understanding of myself and my place in the world I create for myself. This is frightening. I admit to being scared. It is also empowering.

To treat myself for my hard work …. I take a very special commute route to my counseling sessions. I walk through the leaves in my neighbourhood. I even kick them up in the air if I am feeling well that day. I walk down to the Cambie Street bridge, over the railroad tracks to the water. My piece of the water. My bench is there. No one is ever there. So it feels like mine.
I walk down the dock and I get on the little aquabus.  This cute multicoloured little boat that will take you across the harbour… sits about eight to ten people…  I love it.

The ocean is my spot. My special spot.

See below, this is why I take this route – breathtaking.

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