fall

It is fall again.  I love the beginning of every season.  New sights and smells.  Different flowers and trees.  Greener grass.  Lush feeling in the neighbourhood.  Heady, nostalgic feelings of past seasons spent with family, friends and loved ones.

If pressed, I would say that fall is probably my favourite season.  Fall reminds me of the beginning of the school year with Megan when she was a little girl.  A new backpack, filled with goodies like pencils and erasers, felt pens and ‘safe’ scissors that would never cut through paper, let alone anyone’s finger.  Meg and I would would spend the night before labelling all her new treasures carefully, knowing full well within weeks it would all get misplaced/lost anyways.

… I remember the distinct smell of the wet, foggy, fall air in the mornings … musty and sweet at the same time … her small white hand in mine as we walked through our neighbourhood with the other mommies and children.  The backpack on her back dwarfing her little body, those big purple eyes (yes purple!  they were so blue they were purple) under her big hood and the tufts of fluffy blond hair peeking out the sides.

The sweet smile when she said good-bye mama, I love you.

I love you too…

Back to today.  Fall 2007.  It has finally stopped raining.  I put on my boots and raincoat and grabbed my camera.  The leaves in my neighbourhood are gorgeous.  Here is the view from the sidewalk in front of my house:

view-looking-up-my-street.JPG

Just beautiful. 

This picture reminds me of me right now:

sun-peeking-through-the-trees.JPGl

Sometimes the sunshine that was my former personality takes a little peek out into the world, smiles a little and plays normal and then escapes behind a cloud or a tree or under the blankets.

When I am not me, my brain ping pongs around with battering thoughts of guilt, self doubt and failure.  I am not used to these feelings.  I cannot seem to control them on a regular basis.

I am constantly feeling guilty and sorry for not being who everyone needs me to be right now.  I know you want me to answer your emails.  You have all been so wonderful to me with emails filled with concern, love and words of wisdom or ‘I’ve been there’, inspiration and encouragement.  I am filled with shame that I cannot answer all these emails and am feeling silly and weak for not being and doing the things I need to do.  Regular life things.  I feel paralyzed some days.  Frightened of normal life things that I have no logical reasons to be scared of.

I am feeling better than I was.  Actually, I guess I mean there are more minutes, hours where I feel more like myself than before, but I am not me yet.

I promise I am working on it though.

I am not there but am sure it is right around the corner.  One more day?  Two?  I do not know. 

But I miss me.

Advertisements

8 Comments

  1. sizzlesays said,

    October 3, 2007 at 3:23 pm

    such gorgeous photos. thanks for sharing those.

    i remember putting so much pressure on myself, feeling obligated to respond to people’s thoughtfulness and kindness…it wasn’t that i didn’t want to but that i COULD NOT do it.

    you will, when you are ready. until then? be gentle with yourself.

  2. Trée said,

    October 3, 2007 at 3:24 pm

    Beautiful photo Kelly. I miss you too. One day at a time. No rush. I’m be here when you get back. 🙂

  3. jlb said,

    October 3, 2007 at 4:48 pm

    maybe, just maybe, you won’t go back to who you were…maybe you’ll emerge as as somebody new…not the old you, not the struggling you, but somebody who has grown from this experience into a person even more than you were…

    and you’ll get there when you get there…in your own time…

  4. Pooey said,

    October 3, 2007 at 7:16 pm

    beautiful pics honey…..and a beautiful post…
    love you stinki

  5. October 5, 2007 at 6:35 am

    Fall is my favorite time of the year as well. I’ve been lost to myself for some time. When you get to the place where you can start discovering who you are and being more “you”, it’s an amazing feeling…one I hope you are graced with soon.

  6. Keri said,

    October 6, 2007 at 12:22 am

    Wow. Such beautiful photo’s. Especially the one of you – peeking through that tree that’s carrying so much weight on it. I wish you peace. I know you’ll find it.

  7. kittenroar5 said,

    October 8, 2007 at 11:04 am

    I love the pics. Gorgeous.

    Be good to yourself.

  8. bc3263827 said,

    October 19, 2007 at 4:24 pm

    great pictures, I wish my neighborhood was half that picturesque.

    If I were to stand on my sidewalk and take a picture, you’d probably see mailboxes falling apart, and my neighbors trash can sitting on the curb because he never seems to remember that trash day is only twice a week.

    bryan
    http://innergeekdom.wordpress.com


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: