I am determined to be me again

Committed to be me again.

And not that old me. That version had a few too many flaws and complications. Way too many things being carried around with her that affected how she saw the world and the people around her. This model is going to be sleek. I want to be the new and improved NerdGirl. Kelly v.2 or some such thing. Or “NerdGirlRevamped”. That sounds geeky and sexy all at once!

So it was counseling day. I go once a week. I am emotionally exhausted after each session. Pushing, pushing, pushing. I am being hard on myself to create the change I want to see. I am being hard on the world around me. I want to effect change. Positive change. It is tiring work. I keep on finding more and more flaws.

Everytime I stumble on something new I have a choice to work through that feeling and effect positive change. This change is ultimately in my hands. I can ask for help along the way, but it will still be in my hands to effect it.

I am finding out that there are things I can control and things I cannot. I know there are things I have to accept about myself and still be able to look in the mirror with loving eyes. Accepting eyes.

Problem is, these sessions are gruelling. And I am spent. I bare my core to my counselor. I say things to her I would never tell anyone else. I tell her things that I wonder are normal, knowing she could say, no, no they are not. I am putting who I am, the inside me, on a silver platter and handing it to someone to help me find a way to be who I want to be. You know what I am talking about. Those things we all walk around with in our heads and never say out loud for fear of being judged. I’m saying them. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly. I have told her things I did not even know I was feeling until it came out of my mouth and formed a sentence.

She is helping me help myself. I need to help myself. It will be worth it in the end. I will get back to life with new skills and understanding of myself and my place in the world I create for myself. This is frightening. I admit to being scared. It is also empowering.

To treat myself for my hard work …. I take a very special commute route to my counseling sessions. I walk through the leaves in my neighbourhood. I even kick them up in the air if I am feeling well that day. I walk down to the Cambie Street bridge, over the railroad tracks to the water. My piece of the water. My bench is there. No one is ever there. So it feels like mine.
I walk down the dock and I get on the little aquabus.  This cute multicoloured little boat that will take you across the harbour… sits about eight to ten people…  I love it.

The ocean is my spot. My special spot.

See below, this is why I take this route – breathtaking.






  1. Autumn Storm said,

    October 26, 2007 at 7:54 am

    It is that, just beautiful, must be lovely gliding along, cutting through what looks like due to the reflections silver water. Peaceful and relaxing. 🙂

    Determination and inner strength, you show those two qualities through all your posts, commitment too, three. Combine those with the other qualities so apparent, a kind and loving heart, not to mention humour, intelligence and being a great mom/friend/etc, beauty in and out with “the body of a 20-year-old” and Nerdgirlrevamped is going to be as fabulous as Nerdgirl with the added oomph, and it’s the big one capitol T capitol B, of being more at peace.

  2. matt said,

    October 26, 2007 at 1:36 pm

    Today I’m on a mission to find my very own special spot in this new city.

  3. bighair said,

    October 26, 2007 at 2:17 pm

    i used to walk this bridge
    in the summers that
    i spent with my sister in kits

    good job at all the personal
    work u are doing
    it’s a life change
    and will help u
    get through it all
    as it comes to u.

  4. sizzlesays said,

    October 26, 2007 at 3:23 pm

    what a beautiful view! no wonder you take that route.

    when i felt lost and tried to “revamp” myself a couple years ago, my counselor had me write out two lists. one was all the things i wanted to be, the other all the things i thought i was. these were mostly qualities and characteristics. over time and with thoughtful, compassionate attention to my needs, i’ve merged those two lists. there is still much work to be done but those months i spent spilling my heart out to my counselor saved my life. and helped me find me.

    i wish the same for you.

  5. jlb said,

    October 26, 2007 at 3:55 pm

    today i take a breath for you…and then i take one for me….
    the opening up, the laying bare, looking at our raw selves….catharsis….and growth….
    i’m thinking of the bulb of a flower straining to push throught the soil to find the sun….

  6. Valley Girl said,

    October 26, 2007 at 4:12 pm

    I’m glad to hear counseling is helping. You’re so brave. I tried that once–therapy–I’d spend the entire session crying while the therapist sat there, telling me how sad I looked. Then when our time was up, he’d push me out the door with some tissue.

    Group counseling didn’t fare much better, either.

    Hearing about your experience is inspiring to me. Maybe I’ll go back when I have the strength. You are right. It takes so much out of you. Be strong, Kelly!

  7. Trée said,

    October 27, 2007 at 2:37 am

    Nerdy, for you, a kiss:

    There was talk, a walk and a kiss. To say more would poke a finger in their bliss, to say nothing would be a disservice to persist. One stood above and one below, and as surely as rock tumbles from high to low, one set of lips fell into the valley bow (of the other’s soft reprieve). Such is the nature of a kiss.

    Touching of flesh, a kiss perhaps can be, but as a grape squeezed not the vintage sieged. Warmth passed between two souls in the stillness of time, making memory between the ticks of chime. Essence slipped membranes seen not by eye nor mind to gleam but to intelligence gifted not schemed; and fingers moved as if on strings to a symphony heard in angels’ wings.

    Eyes turned inward fain as hearts beat like drums on the plain. The firm ambassador of words not needed, greeted with touches light and heated. As if a summer day where care not heeded, the two danced and darted as feathers on the breeze or children round the trees. Giggles felt but not heard and trembles joined the plaintive bird. Arms contracted to devour, fearful of clock and time in hour.

    From dry to wet and firm to soft were sighs witnessed as eyes were naught. Hair tingled in the touch and noses snuggled, as if enough. The curve of one fell into other and where one began the other shuttered. Breathing raced as two for medal, crossing over hands together, as brothers as one do on the day. And so a moment held back time and seemed forever in space divine till upon the magic came a finger.

  8. NerdGirl said,

    October 27, 2007 at 11:38 pm

    Autumn: It is peaceful. My favourite spot in the city, next to sitting beside my bestest bud…

    Matt: NasaStud (that better?) did you find your spot??

    BigHair: You get to walk it in five days!

    Sizzle: Those lists are a fantastic idea.

    JLB: beautiful words, as usual.

    Valley Girl: Truthfully reading your blog brings a smile to my face… your escapades make for great reading on a lonely night.

    Tree: you leave me speechless again. =)

  9. Trée said,

    October 27, 2007 at 11:42 pm

    And breathless? 😉

  10. prin said,

    October 28, 2007 at 6:25 pm

    Sounds like you have the perfect shrink for your mind. Those are hard to find. It’s so normal to be exhausted for a bit after a session. That means it’s working… well. 🙂 It gets easier, and then harder and then easier again. 😀 (hugs)

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