moving forward


I woke up this morning and breathed a sigh of relief. The world is quiet.

I keep waiting for it to get loud and unbearable in my head again. But not today. I have another day of feeling ok. And, after how down I have felt, ok is just fine by me.

I opened up my eyes and rolled over and grabbed my phone.  I was lucky enough to have the first voice this morning be a message from my best friend asking how I slept last night (sleep is still a big issue) and issuing an invite to join him for lunch today or a snack this afternoon. His message made me smile and feel cared for first thing in the morning. Thank you very much.

Today was Dr. appointment day.

Since this whole ordeal began I find I have to mentally and physically prepare myself for anything I do to gain control over things that are causing me some anxiety. I cannot always tell what is going to make me anxious so I try to mentally prepare in advance for any eventuality.

So I sat down with my breakfast – oh that reminds me – they have vanilla Rice Krispies now – yum – Anyways, I sat down with my breakfast and started a list of things I wanted to discuss with my Dr. today. This also helps with my little memory issue. Number one on my list was to talk to my doctor about a ‘back to work plan’. I miss working. I miss feeling useful somewhere. I like my job and the people around me there.

I took my usual route to the Dr. down under the bridge, a little visit to the ocean and a boat ride across …

… as usual my Dr. was great. We discussed the whole list. He took his time with me, looks me directly in the eye and discusses everything fully. I feel like he really has my best interests at heart. When it comes to the work thing he is very cautious. He doesn’t want me doing anything that is going to set me back again. We have had so many setbacks and false starts since August and when I am done with this ordeal, I, we, everybody wants it to be fully done. No looking back.

So, his solution was to make a (he knows I like the lists!) list of what what he thought was a reasonable ‘back to work plan’, with a few options for me to run by my counsellor. I see her next Thursday and if she approves then we can start taking some of the steps. Slowly.

Slowly is still moving forward and that is all I want.

To keep moving forward.

I do not want to go back to where I was before. It is a frightening, scary, lonely, very loud place.

So readers, pick up your tea, your beer, your glass of chardonnay, or whatever your beverage of choice is and lets do a toast to ‘moving forward’. For all of us. Taking that first step, even if it is a baby step towards whatever it is we want or dream about right now.

If you stand behind me and catch me when I fall, I promise to do the same for you.

Ready? Here we go:

“Cheers – to Moving Forward.”



  1. sizzlesays said,

    October 31, 2007 at 4:00 am


  2. Cristina said,

    October 31, 2007 at 4:25 am

    I’m in recovery from Anorexia. Recovery is one of those things. That if nobody in your circle has experienced an addiction before, it’s just so out of their realm that they don’t understand what it’s like to give up that addiction, and free ourselves.

  3. NerdGirl said,

    October 31, 2007 at 4:53 am

    Thanks Sizzle!

    Hi Cristina, nice to meet you, thanks for stopping by. I am recovering from a breakdown, not an addiction or anorexia. I cannot imagine how hard that road has been for you. I am going to pop over to your blog and give it a read.

  4. Autumn Storm said,

    October 31, 2007 at 5:20 am

    Got my morning cup of coffee raised high wishing you every success along your journey. Arms open, to catch or to offer a celebratory hug. Something tells me you are going to have far, far many more of the second, especially since if you ever need the first, it is always going to be followed by the second at some point.

  5. Trée said,

    October 31, 2007 at 5:22 am

    A Toast to you Nerdy. 🙂

    Maybe a hug too.

  6. Lori said,

    October 31, 2007 at 12:32 pm

    I toast you with my coffee. sorry I’ve been out of the loop for a while. I was offered a job teaching art to elementary schools and had to freak out and obsess over whether to take it. (more money, off in the summer, off by 3:30, hmm) anyway, i took it, been there 2 weeks. and I love it! It was the right decision. I’ve always loved art and teaching it to kids, but the city i live in is very poor and theschool system is scary so i just didn’t know but i feel great about it.
    I wish you many forward steps in the future. I know you will make them, and take your time.
    hope to start blogging again soon.

  7. bighair said,

    October 31, 2007 at 3:00 pm

    Cheers to u!
    Moving forward is a great toast.

  8. Keri said,

    October 31, 2007 at 4:53 pm

    Sounds good to me. I even refilled my coffee just to be sure to give it a proper toast.
    Cheers to you! & all of us!

  9. matt said,

    October 31, 2007 at 5:18 pm

    Hope your breath wasn’t morning breath like mine.

  10. B said,

    October 31, 2007 at 5:31 pm

    Toasting you with my diet coke right now! You’ve made amazing progress, you should be proud of yourself.

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