a note to my thirteen year old self

Kerstin tagged me for a meme.  I like this one.  It is a fabulous idea!

The rules are simple:

* Link back to the person who tagged you.
* Send a letter back in time to your 13 year old self.
* Tag 5 more people to do this meme.

I choose jlb, BigHair, Kathryn, Ryann Rain and Beth.

Dear Kelly:

Its me.  Actually its you, the 38 year old you.

I am writing this to you to lend a little hand towards your future and to give you a heads up about some of the events that are coming towards you, good and bad.

First of all.  You are loved.  You have a funny way of forgetting that when people let you down, or when you think people have let you down.  Just try to remember, at all moments, no matter what, that you are loved.  People are human and you need to allow them to fail you once in awhile.  Forgiveness is good for the soul.

You are good.  You make some mistakes, some real doozies actually, but deep down you want to do good, be good and you are good.  These mistakes dont define you.  What you learn from them, how you handle them and how you move forward out of your mistakes is what will define you.

You are 13.  Your friend Deanna.  You will know her FOREVER.  You will hurt her, she will forgive you and you will consider her family no matter what far away cities you live in.  You will lead opposite lives.  You will have little in common sometimes because your journeys have been your own and quite opposite, but your friendship will last the test of time.

You know that funny kid down the street – Chico?  The one you sneak out of the house to go see.  The one that wrote you letters from England?  You know, the one who you met because you passed him a note in Social Studies class to ask about his friend?  You will become everything to each other.  I can see you shaking your head.  Stop it.  It is true.  You will be lovers, roomates, friends, think about marriage, you will fight, cry, fight some more and turn out to be best friends.  You will lean on him for things in your adult life that you did not think you would have to live through.  He will let you down with the little things sometimes and he will make you cry.  But when it counts, really counts, he will be there for you.  He will hold your hand, your hair, bury the body, whatever you need.  He will love you.

You will just have found out last year that your dad is not your real dad, that he adopted you when he met your mother.  This will make you lash out for awhile.  Dont do that.  He chose you.  He wanted to raise you and you were lucky you had him in your life.  You are lucky your mother made such a good choice.  You will regret your actions because he dies before his time.  He dies of cancer at 41.  You will miss him like crazy and beat yourself up for the way you acted in your youth.  He loved you though and was a good man.  He taught you (not that you listened, or practice it) the art of logic.

Your sister Amanda seems like a bit of a pain in the ass at this age.  She is so young, eight years younger than you … what could you possibly do with this kid?  She just pokes you and takes your stuff.  Bear with her, your sister turns out to be this amazing woman.  She is logical like your dad, she is successful, she is kind.  She is one of the few people you know in your life that really does not know how to hurt people, and if she does, she hides it well, because she chooses not to inflict pain on people.  You two rarely fight, or even disagree.

You are a hot shot figure skater.  You skate gracefully.  You walk like a peg legged half-blind oaf, but on the ice, you are magic.  You find boys.  You find a social life.  You are dumb.   You quit competing.  You silly girl.  You will regret this once in awhile in your adult life.  But you will retain the talent and call upon it and put your blades on the ice many times throughout the years.  It is one of the things that truly de-stresses you.  One of the few things that stops your mind from the usual whirlwind of thoughts.

You will quit school.  If you read this letter in time, dont do that.  It changes too many things, your financial future, and your social future.  I know you will do it anyway.  Dammit.

You run away from home.  You do it many times.  If possible could you give your mom a little bit of a break.  She is human and she is trying to teach you to stand on your own two feet.  She is trying to show you the right way of doing things and she wants to make sure that you have a future, a good future.  She loves you and wants the world for you.  You wont figure this out until later in life.  You will forge a bond with her that becomes one of the most important in your life.

The last time you run away you do scary things.  Dumb things.  Things that will affect your life.  You make questionable decisions.  You are lucky you are alive.  I assume you are going to do these things anyways.  I guess the only advice I have for you then is to not beat yourself up for your decisions.  You are very hard on yourself.  You dont think you deserve the good things that are to come in your life because of these decisions.  You are wrong.  You are still good.  You will do good.  Things are going to turn around, and quickly.

You will meet Sylvain.  I would like to tell you this is a good thing.  But he will be a thorn in your side for many years to come.  Be strong.  Stand up to him.  You are making the right decisions where he is concerned.  Do.Not.Feel.Bad.  You are right.  You could not be more right.  You are going to want to try with him.  Dont bother.

Sylvain is one of those people I wish I could spare you.  He was not good.  In every sense.  You need him though.  He gives you the biggest gift of your life.


At nineteen, you will have a bouncing baby girl named Megan with blond hair, a beautiful face, big cheeks and huge purple/blue eyes.  You are not prepared for the love you feel for this child.  You are not prepared to live with your heart now residing outside of your body.  You are not prepared for how hard motherhood is.  You will be a single mom.  You will do everything you can to raise her healthily and happily.  You will make good decisions and bad decisions.  You will love her more than any other human being that comes your way.

One thing is for sure, Megan will grow up knowing she was loved.  She will not doubt for a moment that you loved her.  Even in the worst of times.  For many years this is how you will define yourself.  As a mother.

You decide when Megan is getting ‘at that age’ that you need to be home nights.  Serving beer in the bar is not going to cut it anymore.  You decide to become a legal assistant.  This is a good decision.  You end up with a job you love.  With great co-workers and a salary that you can live on.

You fall in love with some great people.  You fall in love with some duds.  You eventually fall in love with a woman and end up dating women.  You dont hate men, you just make the choice to live differently.  I actually think you dont see a line between men and woman.  I think deep down you believe that you fall in love with who you fall in love with, man or woman.  You just find women more attractive!

You are sensitive.  Really sensitive.  You feel everything.  Sometimes this will hurt.  I think it helps to make you the compassionate person you are.  You love people.  You are fiercely loyal to your friends and family.  You love animals, especially dogs.  You love poetry, love stories, the ocean. 

At thirty eight you can look back and see some really hard times but you can also see that you have a good life.  You have a great relationship with your mother and sister.  Your daughter is eighteen and making her own decisions, good and bad!  You have a lovely stepfather, a good stepbrother and friends that love you. 

You are creative.  You like to write.  You like everything to be just so.  In its place.  You are a clean freak.  You are loving and caring.  You definitely feel.

I hope this helps.  Remember to love yourself.



  1. bighair said,

    December 5, 2007 at 1:04 am

    Mine would look like this:
    Dear Chris,
    You will hit a tree hard while
    swinging on it with Naomi.
    Don’t worry about the large
    goosebump, it won’t be permanent
    and your brain will still be in tact.

  2. NerdGirl said,

    December 5, 2007 at 1:24 am

    nice try bighair… you have to actually do the letter, on your blog!

  3. kittenroar5 said,

    December 5, 2007 at 1:46 am

    wow. therapy in a meme. who knew? 🙂

  4. krazybitchk said,

    December 5, 2007 at 1:57 am

    This is my first time stopping by, and I have to say that you have brought me to tears. This letter could have been written to my 13 year old self (minus the figure skating, I played volleyball). Thank you for posting this, even if it did leave me a snotty mess in the middle of my office.

  5. Cheek said,

    December 5, 2007 at 2:16 am

    Why no lottery numbers dumbass ???

  6. Valley Girl said,

    December 5, 2007 at 3:05 am

    What a beautiful, poignant letter. It made me get a lump in my throat.

    I like that Chico friend of yours.

  7. sizzlesays said,

    December 5, 2007 at 3:07 am

    i love this! i learned so much about you. and i think i might have a crush on you too. 😉

  8. NerdGirl said,

    December 5, 2007 at 3:17 am

    Kittenroar: You should do this letter too, it was fun to do!

    Krazybitchk: Thanks for stopping by new friend. I am sorry this post was so sappy … I promise some fun ones in the future, stop by again! =) I’ll send you some kleenex for the snotty mess!

    Cheek: I am keeping the numbers for myself… we all know what would happen if you won the lottery … a hotel room, bad things, bad women, bad bad bad and it all ending in tragedy … I am saving your life by keeping you in the poor house!

    Valley Girl: Thanks for the kind words. You are a good blogging friend. I check yours EVERYDAY!

    Sizzle: FINALLY! I WIN! Sizzle loves NerdGirl!

  9. Airam said,

    December 5, 2007 at 3:48 am

    This was a great post … I bet you cried a little when you wrote it. You’re very articulate and thank you for sharing it!

  10. prin said,

    December 5, 2007 at 2:55 pm

    That was amazing. (hugs)

  11. Autumn Storm said,

    December 5, 2007 at 6:20 pm

    Wow, what a post! We should all do one of these, must have been both fun and an interesting experiment. What would one, if anything, change if one could. Loved especially the part about your friends and family, what an amazing letter this would have been to receive. Wonderful post!!!!!

  12. December 5, 2007 at 6:38 pm

    That was one of the best of these letters I have read.

  13. Bre said,

    December 5, 2007 at 7:49 pm

    This is so incredibly awesome! There is a very good chance that I will snag the idea and post it on my blog… so amazing!

  14. alan said,

    December 5, 2007 at 9:34 pm

    “I think deep down you believe that you fall in love with who you fall in love with…”

    As I did you the first time I found you!

    Thank you for being such an incredible, wonderful person!


  15. December 5, 2007 at 10:16 pm

    What an amazing exercise. Your letter is amazing. Count me in on the crush!

  16. Caroline said,

    December 6, 2007 at 1:36 am

    What a beautiful letter. I loved the last line where you told yourself to love yourself. You are amazing and I hope you see that in yourself.

  17. katelin said,

    December 6, 2007 at 2:10 am

    Wow. I pretty much am speechless after reading this post, and I mean that in the best of ways. You wrote this with so much openness and truth I was truly touched. I always find it interesting as people delve into their past in hopes of overcoming their future and I think you capture it well. Lovely letter.

  18. Keri said,

    December 6, 2007 at 5:56 pm

    Love this! Wouldn’t it be nice to know then what we know now…

  19. NerdGirl said,

    December 7, 2007 at 1:47 am

    Airam: Thanks for stopping by … I love your writing, thanks for the compliment…

    Prin: Hugs back at ya’!

    Autumn Storm: I would be afraid to change anything … the bad stuff led to the good stuff…

    Colonel Colonel: Thank you for the high praise. =)

    Bre: I am going to stop by your place and see if you did this little exercise, I am sure yours would be amazing!

    Alan: I am blushing…

    Socalgemini14: Nice to meet you! I love crushes!

    Caroline: Nice to see you again. =)

    Katelin: I love your writing so this is high praise coming from you.

    Keri: Too late for that! I hope that my cute little baby girl listens to my life stories and learns something … sigh.

  20. Pretty Lush said,

    December 12, 2007 at 11:17 pm

    I wish we could do this for ourselves. I really do. Wonderfully written.

  21. fookembug said,

    April 23, 2008 at 10:58 am

    Beautiful and powerful letter.


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