calm

Im laying down on my couch, new book in hand, Janey at my feet and the window slipped open enought to hear the murmurs of life outside.

The trials of living with depression and anxiety have faded into the past.

Things are good.

Easy.

Easy.

I do not think I have ever said that about life.

I am going to try that again.  I think life is as easy as it ever has been (as an adult ).  I have time to do what I want.  The world is literally at my feet.  Apparently that makes me write in cliches …

I have a responsibility to work hard at my important relationships – and at work – but beyond that I do not feel any heavy burden of responsibility that I feel I cannot shoulder.  It all feels under control.  Manageable.  I may have actually got some things right – I may have set things straight – I may have succeeded in setting my life on a good track.  And I have time right now to go in any direction I choose.  I can choose the track!

My.Life.Comes.With.Choice.

My life comes with choice.  Said it twice and I still believe it.

Not just a choice.  CHOICES!

A lot of the time I choose to be with me.  Just me.  I want to relax and walk or read or write.  I have time to dream.  And I dream big.  I want to see it all.

I have time to think about the past and I feel healed with that time.  I have forgiven myself and others.  I can think about past loves, family, motherhood, struggles *some self inflicted – some forced on me* and know that I have never been so at peace with who I am, who I have been and who I see myself as in the future.  I am proud of me.  And I consider myself lucky to have the love I have in my life.

A calmness has set in to my liffe.  That calmness has been in my actions and in my needs and desires for quite a number of years.  But, finally – finally! that calm has found itself settling into my life events as well.

Along with this calm has come a dulling of of sorts.  A dulling of my senses.  As many of you know me personally, or have followed this online diary for some time, you know I feel.  Really feel.  Everything.  Not just my own feelings, others’ as well…

I am an extremely sensitive person.  I know, I know, you are shocked!  =)

I am sensitive emotionally and physically.  I can smell when my best friend is sick – a week before it happens.  It is just a subtle change but it is (was – I miss you love) there.  My skin is sensitive.  I can feel a stray hair off my head in my shirt … it itches like a bug bit me.  One night in my old place I woke up itching my calf.  Closed my eyes again… and argh… my calf was still itchy and it would not stop … I finally turned on the light to go to the bathroom and sure enough there was a hair under the cuff of my jammies.

I am alert to body language.  I can sense in a tone, a walk, a turn of one’s head where a mood lays.  It affects me.  I notice it.  I am so aware of it.  I can sense a mood of a restaurant, an office and the tone of an email.  If the mood was anything less than positive I would always want to or feel that I needed to change it.  What a burden.  And a misplaced sense of power.  There is no way that everyone’s mood or change of mood could always have something to do with me.  And with that thought – there is no way that I have had or will have the power to change one’s mood.  I am learning where the control lies.  With me.  I can control me, my thoughts, actions and reactions.  Beyond that, it is out of my control.  And that is ok.

A lot of this sensitivity has helped to shape me into the woman I am today.  I care very deeply for the people in my world and caring as I do makes me work harder to be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, coworker and lover on a daily, consistent basis.  I screw it up often.  I don’t always get it right (not even close), but I care enough about the people in my life to want to do right by each of them.  I want to enrich my loved one’s lives, I want to leave a mark – a quiet smile on the lips of those I love.

After my illness some of this dulled.

I still love as deeply as I did.  I just feel the impact differently.  This has impacted my creativity.  My writing.  I know part of it is the medication.  It dulls the bad feelings along with some of the good I suppose.  Some parts of me seem to have been turned down a notch.

I feel like I may be a different shade of the colour I was before.

Do I look different?

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3 Comments

  1. sizzlesays said,

    April 22, 2008 at 10:51 pm

    You shine bright, friend. And always are beautiful.

    Enjoy the choices life offers you. Relish in the ease.

  2. bighair said,

    April 24, 2008 at 10:43 pm

    ur kinda like the sparkle
    the comes after a star shoots out
    the calmness…
    i think it just comes with time
    and time is what we need
    and being ok with ourselves
    is the best gift.

  3. Kerstin said,

    April 29, 2008 at 2:15 pm

    you do look different. blogospherically speaking. 😛

    I love the positiveness (I’m full of new words today!) you are exuding.

    After reading this, I hear that song “New Soul” by Yael Naim (you know, the one from the Mac Book Air commercial) in my head. It suits you.


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