Samy

Blessed…

I have friends.

Good ones.

Tonight Samy showed up to stay with me for the weekend.  She moved to Calgary about a year ago.  Before she left we bonded over a similar experience.  A tough experience.  When she left Vancouver my journey was already partially taken.  Her journey just starting.  She got out of the car tonight outside of my building and we hugged – two new women.   Women who have grown, worked, hurt, felt and came out the other end better than ever…

I was on my way to bed when Samy came to grab my spare set of keys.  She was on her way out for a little bit of Vancouver fun!  As she dropped off her suitcases and did a ten minute pre-catch up, she left she did two special things for me.

Both of which I will never forget.

1. She gave me a piece of herself.  She has become a successful artist and she brought a piece of her art for me.  A piece of herself really.  The woman in the picture is amazing.  I asked who she was.  She said a little me and a little you

Tears.

Good tears.  I tried to take a picture of her, this beauty, this creation of Samy’s.  My camera cannot do it justice so I wont post it here.  If it cannot be seen in its true glory, then it wont be seen. 

2. I moved into a little bachelor suite over a year ago.  To live by the ocean and walking distance from work I gave up a lot of things.  Walls without paint chipping, modern appliances, new floors and clean that looks clean.  It was worth it to me.  I love my suite.  It is my haven.  My haven by the ocean.  My haven with my furry family.  I love it.  Everything in it feels like home.

Samy walked in and said “I love it.  It is so Zen.”

She got it.  The feeling I wanted from my home. 

Peace.

And she got it before she saw the humungous picture of Buddha on my wall!

calm

Im laying down on my couch, new book in hand, Janey at my feet and the window slipped open enought to hear the murmurs of life outside.

The trials of living with depression and anxiety have faded into the past.

Things are good.

Easy.

Easy.

I do not think I have ever said that about life.

I am going to try that again.  I think life is as easy as it ever has been (as an adult ).  I have time to do what I want.  The world is literally at my feet.  Apparently that makes me write in cliches …

I have a responsibility to work hard at my important relationships – and at work – but beyond that I do not feel any heavy burden of responsibility that I feel I cannot shoulder.  It all feels under control.  Manageable.  I may have actually got some things right – I may have set things straight – I may have succeeded in setting my life on a good track.  And I have time right now to go in any direction I choose.  I can choose the track!

My.Life.Comes.With.Choice.

My life comes with choice.  Said it twice and I still believe it.

Not just a choice.  CHOICES!

A lot of the time I choose to be with me.  Just me.  I want to relax and walk or read or write.  I have time to dream.  And I dream big.  I want to see it all.

I have time to think about the past and I feel healed with that time.  I have forgiven myself and others.  I can think about past loves, family, motherhood, struggles *some self inflicted – some forced on me* and know that I have never been so at peace with who I am, who I have been and who I see myself as in the future.  I am proud of me.  And I consider myself lucky to have the love I have in my life.

A calmness has set in to my liffe.  That calmness has been in my actions and in my needs and desires for quite a number of years.  But, finally – finally! that calm has found itself settling into my life events as well.

Along with this calm has come a dulling of of sorts.  A dulling of my senses.  As many of you know me personally, or have followed this online diary for some time, you know I feel.  Really feel.  Everything.  Not just my own feelings, others’ as well…

I am an extremely sensitive person.  I know, I know, you are shocked!  =)

I am sensitive emotionally and physically.  I can smell when my best friend is sick – a week before it happens.  It is just a subtle change but it is (was – I miss you love) there.  My skin is sensitive.  I can feel a stray hair off my head in my shirt … it itches like a bug bit me.  One night in my old place I woke up itching my calf.  Closed my eyes again… and argh… my calf was still itchy and it would not stop … I finally turned on the light to go to the bathroom and sure enough there was a hair under the cuff of my jammies.

I am alert to body language.  I can sense in a tone, a walk, a turn of one’s head where a mood lays.  It affects me.  I notice it.  I am so aware of it.  I can sense a mood of a restaurant, an office and the tone of an email.  If the mood was anything less than positive I would always want to or feel that I needed to change it.  What a burden.  And a misplaced sense of power.  There is no way that everyone’s mood or change of mood could always have something to do with me.  And with that thought – there is no way that I have had or will have the power to change one’s mood.  I am learning where the control lies.  With me.  I can control me, my thoughts, actions and reactions.  Beyond that, it is out of my control.  And that is ok.

A lot of this sensitivity has helped to shape me into the woman I am today.  I care very deeply for the people in my world and caring as I do makes me work harder to be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend, coworker and lover on a daily, consistent basis.  I screw it up often.  I don’t always get it right (not even close), but I care enough about the people in my life to want to do right by each of them.  I want to enrich my loved one’s lives, I want to leave a mark – a quiet smile on the lips of those I love.

After my illness some of this dulled.

I still love as deeply as I did.  I just feel the impact differently.  This has impacted my creativity.  My writing.  I know part of it is the medication.  It dulls the bad feelings along with some of the good I suppose.  Some parts of me seem to have been turned down a notch.

I feel like I may be a different shade of the colour I was before.

Do I look different?

a very big day

secretary.jpg

Check out Sizzle’s Blog today (actually, check it out daily – she rocks!).  Today she has posted a quote about moving forward.  It is the perfect quote for me to take with me for my big day tomorrow.

Tomorrow I return to work after four long months of … well you read the posts …

It is all behind me.

Wish me luck!

on worth

My family and Chico have been helping me so much in the last four months.

I feel important to the people that I love.

I recognize my worth to them.

I have spent lots of time with my family and Chico.  I have cried endlessly, laughed at myself a little, talked when I needed to and sat silently when I could not talk.  They gave me what I needed when I needed it.  I spent weekends at my mom’s, weekend’s at Chico’s parents and lots of hours with my best friend.  On Monday night I had a sleepover with my sister in her gorgeous condo in Coquitlam.  We stayed up and chatted like girls do until 2 a.m.!

Today, I took another big step and was rewarded with affirmation of my worth to people outside of my family and close friends.

I was reminded that I have touched other lives in a positive way. 

Here are some pics of me – with a smiling face as I left my house today.

It feels good to smile.

012.jpg    013.jpg

back to it

day-planner.jpg 

It is time to get back to life.  I need to get some things done.

Some.  Nice try.

Try Lots.

I return to work part-time December 3.

Between now and then I have counselling appointments, Dr. appointment(s), a meeting with the insurer to ensure I receive payment the hours I am not at work in December.  I need funds to facilitate the ‘back-to-work part-time plan’.  I need to continue my progress with reconnecting with friends and I have planned a much looked forward to lunch with my boss which will include a trip into the office, the first one since the end of July.

I have also started cleaning out my closet and making sure all the work duds are cleaned, ironed and ready to go!

Ok.  Deep breath.

I am looking forward to the lunch.  It will be good to catch up with my boss.  I want to be able to get right back to my daily work routine on December 3.  My idea is to go pick her up from the office so that I can say hello to the women at work.  That way I will get all the chit-chat, questions, and much looked forward to hugs out of the way before I go back to work.  Because December 3 I plan on getting down to the business of being the best damn legal assistant in Vancouver!

I need a day planner.  A small one I can carry with me.  I cannot keep up with these appointments on the wall calendar I use at home. 

So the plan for today – Power walk in the rain, a stop at Capers to pick up some veggies and fruit, and a stop at Office Depot to treat myself to a cheap planner.

I just love lists, planners, anything really that makes me feel organized.  Yippee!

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